Thursday, October 30, 2008

Silence Please

I realize during this very important election, I've been silent about certain issues. And honestly, I haven't wanted to alienate anyone who might disagree and cause further division. But here I am. I can't be silent any longer. It is vitally important that I speak my mind. Especially now. I'm about to put myself out there. Here I go...

I don't like dogs.

I'm very sorry to say this to all you dog people. I know there are a lot of you out there. And I really, really like some of you very much. Some of you I even love. I just don't love your dogs. Ok, ok... I'll admit there are some pictures you guys post of your dogs and I think to myself... hey, they're pretty cute. In the pictures. But I don't want to touch your dogs. Or smell them. Cause you know they've got that smell. All dogs have that smell. And if you touch them for a second to be polite... your gonna have that dog smell on your hand. Come on. All you non-dog people know what I'm talking about.

Please don't be hating on me dog people. You may not dig my hairless cat or my snakes. I'm ok with that. We can get past this. I know we can. Because we're bigger than this. We can look past our differences and be united in love as members of the human race. Are ya with me?

Why am I talking about this? Because I'm about to go postal on my neighbor's dog. You know... the one I asked so nicely to try to keep his dog quiet during sleeping hours? You remember. Our conversation went like this...

Me:Hello, I live one street down from you. Do you have a new dog?

Hostile Armenian Dude:Yes

Me:Well, you see, your dog has been barking every night and has been waking up everyone in our family, even our children.

Hostile Armenian Dude:Uh-huh

Me:And, uh, we were wondering if there is something you could do to... (interrupted at this point by Hostile Armenian dude)

Hostile Armenian Dude:I GET YOUR POINT. ENOUGH!

(slams door in my face and he and his elderly mom go straight to the window to stare at us)

And so I made an official complaint with the city this summer. And he had 15 days to comply and start keeping his dog quiet. So you know what he did?

He started BEATING THE DOG. Yep. All because of me. I actually didn't witness the beating. One of my neighbors... you know, the devout muslims who used to own a rooster and asked me twice to homeschool their son before they opened an illegal day care in their home... well they witnessed the worst of the beating. They heard the guy yelling that a neighbor had complained about the noise, as he was beating the dog with a stick. And unfortunately, my neighbors don't want to get involved. If I had been the one to witness it, I would have surely called Animal Cops on him. Oh yes I did call the city when I learned of the beating, but since I didn't witness it, they couldn't do anything about it. Several times since then, I've heard the dog yelping. But still I haven't witnessed any beating. (probably because of the 7 feet of cinder block wall between his yard and mine)

So now what? He didn't comply with the city orders to keep his dog quiet. But it's up to me to make an official complaint again. And with my second complaint comes a mandatory meeting between myself and that neighbor, in front of a city mediator. If we can't reach some sort of mutual agreement, then the city sends us to court to settle this.

And you can probably see why I might be slightly hesitant to pursue this with Hostile Armenian Dude. And I kind of feel sorry for the dog now. Except when he wakes me with his barking. Every single night. I'm not feeling so sorry for him then.


  1. Oh. Kind of a sticky situation. What's hubby think? I'd be afraid the guy would go postal on you or something.

    BTW, I feel the same way about cats! hahahahaha

  2. Julie!!!! Now I have to stop liking you again!!! Ugh, you're making our relationship strained over men (ok a vampire) and now dogs!!


    ps... I'd LOVE to come and beat the guy with the stick!

  3. oh no! what a jerk! i'd be kind of freaked out to meet with him.
    ok,,,as far as dogs haven't met MY dog..:) you would want to take her home with you, seriously.;)


    Please call the ASPCA and not the city. I think they can help. They might be able to do something. That dog needs to be removed, for its sake and yours.

    I still love you, but I am going to have Moses give you a big fat lick on the face if you ever come over!!

  5. Ain't living in suburbia fun?!?

    In the Survivor words of Jeff Probst, "I got 'nuttin for you..."

    Sticky situation, indeed.

  6. Okay I am sorry to say... I laughed throughout most of your post, minus the dog getting beaten. I laughed because here in Hungary you can own a HUGE beautiful house and next door is a house built at the turn of the century with no running water that has chickens, dogs, roosters, pigs etc... in their yard. It is really odd and ALL the dogs here appear to be VICIOUS! They are used more for guard dogs and therefore it is not nice to walk down a street without hearing tons of dogs barking all night long like they are attacking someone... it is so annoying.

    All I can say is welcome to Hungary in LA...

  7. Shhhh. I am not a dog person either. At all. I don't want them smelling me. Or licking me. Or jumping up on me.

    And I especially don't like to hear them. That or garage bands that think that 11pm to 2am is a fantabulous time to practice. But I digress.

    Do you watch "Weeds?" We just finished the second season. With the Armenians...

  8. That wasn't a helpful comment was it? I am sorry. I hate confrontations. So I have no suggestions.

  9. That's terrible! I can't believe that solution... I'd call your local PETA chapter. Get some militant animal lovers involved. Of course I don't have a dog and don't belong to PETA so I have no idea what I'm talking about - but that POOR DOG!

  10. I had a great laugh reading this one. I love your writing, and I love you.

  11. please call your local animal protection society ...or rescue ...some areas have something called independent animal rescue ...(we have one in our area)...but please please please contact someone so the poor animal does not get beat anymore and so you can get some rest.....please try to find out if they can take the animal before they contact this person...because if not the animal may be beat yet again......someone like that should not have a pet....imagine if he had your cat or your snakes.....and please be careful going to his door....

  12. I'm sorry for your dilemma and that the jerk went and beat the dog. It's too bad none of the other neighbors will help you. It'd probably be easier with more people on your side. By the way, I am not a dog person either. I hate when you go to someone's house and their dog jumps all over you and licks your face. Ewww! I hate that.

  13. It is up to you, the non-dog lover to SAVE THE DOG! Please, for all of us dog lovers out here! You can do it; I know you can! MAybe you could just have one of your non-dog-hating friends steal the dog and bring it to a no kill shelter...I'm not joking, I've stolen (I like to say rescued) abused animals's not hard!

  14. I don't like animals. Period. Except to eat. I will touch your animal if you are 6 and cute. And then promptly wash my hands (and possibly bathe my children when we get home).

    But just this once, God, please give this dog at least one opposible thumb and the ability to stand upright- so he can totally catch Hostile Armenian Dude off guard, snatch his stick, and beat him severely. Then , please give the dog accute chronic laryngitis.

  15. Ugh, why do people like that even get dogs.

  16. We're totally anti-pet around here, what with the dander and the smell and all, but that poor dog--it does sound like it's up to you to save him.

  17. Well, you know me and dogs...they smell...they jump...they lick...they sniff your person...and really, none of that is the least bit enjoyable. Meanwhile cats just hang out...clean themselves...don't offend with any permeating odor...and pretty much take care of themselves. I love my cat. I love cats. The end.

    p.s. That dog barks when I'm there and you'll witness the ire that is Lula. I am not afraid of some Armenian. Because I'll be all Hostile Lula, and he will fear me. FEAR. ME.

  18. Very sticky situation. My next door neighbor has 8 outdoor cats who loved my big sand box! I finally had to get rid of the sand, I mean litter box.
    I might be missing something, but are Armenians supposedly violent or something?

    Btw, thanks for the link to the blouse!

  19. Wow...that is definitely an uncomfortable situation. I'm one of those people who "nicely" complains, and would have done the same as you. I hope that the situtation can work itself out before it goes to a mediator or even court.

  20. wow!

    I feel so bad for the dog... and yet... I too have a noisy dog neighbor, but I can't seem to figure out exactly where it lives.

    Best of luck dealing with the crazy dog beater man... I really hope it works out.

  21. First, I cannot believe that you have a label for "people who don't like me." This is EXACTLY why I do (like you, that is).

    Second, you know my feeling about dogs, especially ones that are named Jacob, so I sympathize with you.

    Third, is anyone videotaping your life? Because they should. You are the reason the phrase "never a dull moment" was coined.

  22. First of all, I love dogs but loathe cats. Evil little beasts! ;-P

    But the Hostile Armenian Dude needs to be dealt with, I think. You can't go around beating dogs...what a jerk!

  23. Oh My Gosh! That poor dog!

    I wasn't always a dog person. Not until my now ex-roommate brought home a puppy. I always had cats, and later added parrots. But now I'm totally smitten with my girl dogs.

    The benefits? They're totally happy to see me, they think I am the best person in the world, they don't tell me what to think and they keep me warm at night.

    Does this mean when I send you an email I should totally feel like I need to delete my wagging tail doggie from my signature line?

    And hey, aren't you the one that asked to see my puppies when Abby had a litter of six? I'm astounded you dislike dogs. You hide it so well ;)

    Oh...and by the way, my dogs don't have that dog smell. Can't explain it but they don't. Once in awhile I get a scent of little boys sweat in the summer after a hard day of playing, but no dog smell...

    Hugs...I still like you.
    Abby and Heather "Westies"
    Mr. Kitty (the white deaf one)
    Dusty and Bingo the parrots.

  24. Julie you crack me up!!! I don't like dogs either. This is a new realization for me. We got a dog this summer and after a few LONG months I said "NO MORE" I can't take the smell, the pooping in the house and having to run down the street chasing my possesed dog. One glorious afternoon my hubby dropped him off at the pound!! Amen. ~Jeni

  25. awwwww, I love dogs! dropped him off at the pound?!? How terrible!
    please call that guy in to the aspca asap so all us dog lovers can stop worrying about the poor thing. he wasnt barking for that kind of attention :(
    mean, angry men should not be allowed near things with hearts...

  26. Oh dear .. how awful! You don't have to like dogs to hate the cruelty shown towards them... If there is any way you could report this guy? He really shouldn't own a dog if he is just going to beat it...

  27. I totally think you should take him down .. cause I'm a dog lover ;o)

    Actually, better idea .. Call Lula .. tell her that H.A.D has been posting "Edward Sucks" posters all over your neighborhood, and let her go all Rick Flair on him. And take video, cause I wanna watch! ;o)

  28. okay, so I posted that .. THEN I went and read the other comments .. Lula's cracked me up. I totally called it .. make HIM fear HER .. lol ;o)

  29. Wow Julie, this is a tough one. I love dogs, but I don't love being imposed upon by dog lovers. Hate barking, but I hate dogs being beaten worse. You are really between two hard spots, aren't you! I do feel for you because you either have to suffer (and then every little yap will irritate) or the dog does. This really stinks.
    And England is going to be ruff (haha) for you because dogs are welcomed just about everywhere. More care goes into dog protection than children sometimes.

  30. Julie Julie Julie... Dogs are splendiferous! Why don't you love them? You are an ANIMAL PERSON!

    Except for the barking. That's bad. Very bad. No barking, doggie!

    And, I'm with Lor. Send us over to smack that dog-beating meanie with a stick!

  31. You know...I would just call the police and/or the animal control, and complain about the beatings anonomysly..I know I spelled that wrong.
    Don't let that dog suffer, and don't put yourself in a situation to have to confront him again...he is obviously unstable.

  32. Oh my sista from another motha! I have the same disdain for dogs. Quite possibly even worse then your case. I have the same disdain for all domesticated animals that could theoretically call my house their home. I don't like any indoor pet. None. Nadda. Zero. Zippo. Zilch. When my children are older they can tell their therapist how their mother never let them have an animal and they are forever scarred. I'm cool with that. I feel your pain and while I don't like animals I don't like them being beat either. So please call that linky dink someone else posted. Poor you. Poor dog. Bad hostile neighbor.

  33. I used to be a dog-hater. A serious dog-hater. I wanted NOTHING to do with dogs of any sort. If you had told me a year ago that today I'd be a dog owner and totally head over heels in love with her, I would have called you crazy.

    In defense of my dog: she doesn't shed (she is a hypoallergenic breed), she doesn't bark, we have trained her to ring a bell by the door when she wants to go out and potty, she is VERY clean - I even wipe her hiney after she poops :) and I bathe her several times a week. She is SOOOO happy to see me everytime I walk in the door, and no matter what kind of crummy day I am having, she cheers me right up :)

    We are training her to be very well mannered and not to bark or jump up on people. I think the biggest problem with dogs is that people are lazy and don't want to put the effort into training them.

    As for your neighbor's dog...I'd be totally annoyed too. Barking dogs are the WORST. I'm sad that he is hitting him though...when clearly it is the owner's own fault that the dog barks all the time. grrr.

    (sorry for the ultra-long first comment...I just found your blog and am enjoying it very much!)

  34. i still like you even though you don't like dogs. :) heck, i was bitten in the head by a dog and required surgery as a kid, so I shouldn't even like dogs, but i do. to be honest, i don't like cats. they have claws and they always use them on me. and most of them won't cuddle. i like to cuddle. can you call the aspca on your dog beating neighbor? i would do the same for a cat...

  35. Your neighborhood sounds er...interesting to say the least. I feel bad for the dog's not his fault that his retarded owner is too stupid to train him.

    H.A.D. sounds like he needs a good beating. For being mean to the dog and for just being an ass in general.

  36. Oh this makes me really sad....please call someone so the dog does not get hit anymore....I am a doggie lover and I really hate that the dog is getting kind of makes me sick :( :( :(