Monday, January 23, 2012

Open Letter For Those Who Hate Adoption

Recently I got an angry response from an Ethiopian woman on the post I wrote revealing my daughter's PTSD diagnosis.

Here is her comment:




And my answer:





This got me thinking. There is a whole community of adoption-haters here in the U.S. who spend their time & energy trolling the internet so they can leave nasty comments on adoption blogs and videos. They call us names like "baby stealers", "human traffickers", "well-meaning naive idiots", accuse us of buying our children, and tell us that we'll never be a real family.



I've been the target of some of these attacks myself. Mostly the comments just annoy me, though I get angry when the target is a loving adoptive friend of mine who doesn't deserve the verbal abuse heaped upon them by strangers.



I'm about to make a big assumption: I'm guessing the people in the domestic anti-adoption league belong in one of two categories. They are either adult adoptees who had crappy parents, or they are birthmothers/first mothers who were forced or pressured to place their children for adoption. Most likely these adoptions took place many years ago.



I firmly believe every child deserves to be raised in a loving home. To those who were adopted by crappy adoptive parents, I am truly sorry for your experience. Some children who were raised by their biological parents had crappy parents as well. However, I and the many adoptive parents who have been targeted by your hateful comments are not responsible for what happened to you.


Likewise I believe that no woman should be forced or pressured to place their child for adoption. For those who have had that happen, I am truly sorry. That should never have happened.


So why target families that had no part in the pain behind your anger? Do you realize how very different adoption is now compared to how it was even 20 years ago? Closed Adoptions are virtually non-existent these days. The adoptive parents are almost always chosen by the birthmothers, some of whom continue to be a part of their child's life, like in our case. Children grow up knowing their adoption stories now, rather than being lied to & led to believe they were born into the family. Our adoption agency made us sign an agreement saying that we would share our son's adoption story before he turned five so he would never remember not knowing he was adopted.


The fact of the matter is that there are some people who choose not to parent their children. Don't they have the right to make that decision? Don't they have the right to choose who parents their children in their stead? So why are the adoptive parents these women chose being subjected to attacks by strangers?



And to those who oppose International Adoption: no one can deny there is a serious orphan crisis. Adoption is not the answer to solving it. Finding ways to reduce maternal mortality, provide medical care & end poverty to keep families together are better solutions. But the fact remains there are millions of children in orphanages RIGHT NOW in various countries who need families. To the natives of those countries opposed to "foreigners" adopting their children, would it be preferable for those children to grow up in these orphanages until they age out & live on the street than for them to be raised in loving families? Yes it is a tragedy that many of those children will lose their culture. But is that preferable to being raised in an orphanage? I believe so. How many of these children have you adopted so they can keep their culture?



Adoption is not perfect. There is always loss in adoption. In an ideal world every child would be raised by their loving biological parents. In an ideal world every couple that wanted to give birth to children would be able to, without problems. In an ideal world we would not experience loss, sadness, sickness or death. But we don't live in an ideal world, do we? We have parents who want to have children but are unable to. We have children who need families.


Thank God we have adoption.


Biological connection does not make a family. Love does. My husband and I love each other dearly. We are soulmates. There is no shared blood between us, thankfully, because that would be weird. My point is that I have several good friends that love me as a sister with no biological connection. I grew up with "Aunts" "Uncles" and "Grandparents" who had no blood relation to me yet filled those roles in my life. Did I love them any less due to lack of biological connection? Of course not.


So my unsolicited advice to those of you who hate adoption and spend your time blasting & attacking us online...


Choose another target for your anger. Turn your anger into something productive and positive. Use your passion to help keep adoptions ethical. Be advocates for adult adoptees who want to find their birth relatives. Help change laws so that birthparents are listed on the birth certificates of adoptees as well as the adoptive parents. Provide support for other birthmoms who are hurting. Help counsel potential birthmothers to make sure they are making an informed decision. Help affect the circumstances that lead to unplanned pregnancies. In other countries, help lower maternal mortality rates. Help reduce poverty levels. Help keep families together.



Stop attacking loving adoptive families. Get counseling. Stop spreading hate. At the end of the day your attacks may annoy us or even ruin our day, but to deal with that level of hatred day in and out, you are causing so much more harm to yourselves than the families you attack. We will get over your attacks, but you live with this hatred every day. This will affect your health, relationships & general well being.


Of course in the end, the decision is yours. You can choose to continue attacking us. Just know that you are wasting your breath & aren't doing a single thing to change the situation that you don't like. We're not giving up our children and/or returning them to their countries of origins. They are our real children and we are their real parents and no amount of verbal attacks will change that.



Just think next time you decide to attack... Who are you hurting more in the end? Us? Or you?


 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Stealing Posts From My Sister

I used to steal stuff from my sister all the time while growing up. Why should today be any different? My sis is flying in tonight to visit me for the first time in TEN YEARS. But since she was going through a divorce and more or less a zombie 10 years ago during that visit, this will be our first time really hanging out together since we've been adults.


Back to the stealing part... she wrote two awesome posts showing exactly how different she and I am. It's a wonder we came from the same family! So rather than come up with my own material, I'm stealing both of her posts and putting them here. It's not really like stealing when I give credit to the writer, anyway. ;) Without further ado...


(Below posts were written by my sister Beth Ann. She goes by "Beth" now, but I will never call her that. She is and always will be Beth Ann to me. Sometimes I write BethAnn as one word just to make her crazy.)





My Sister

She's not really taller than I am - she was wearing heels!























Me: Elizabeth Ann
My sister: Julia Lynn

I was six years old when she was born. I'm the oldest; she's the youngest. I'm an ISFJ; she's an ENFP. I believe in work before play (what is play??). She begins with play - and if she never gets to the work part, that's fine with her! Words to describe me: practical, steady, predictable, linear. Words to describe her: fanciful, unpredictable, random, unstable (ok, I'm getting carried away).

Why am I writing about my sister?






That's our brother, David
























Because, for the first time in SIX YEARS I am going to see her in 2 days! (And that visit 6 years ago was at my wedding, which doesn't count as areal visit.) The last time we actually VISITED was TEN YEARS AGO! (And that was during my divorce, so I wasn't really myself then.) So, honestly, we've NEVER had a real visit together since we've been adults!


Why, you might ask.




I still owe her for that one!


















It's not because I don't LOVE my sister! We are as close as two siblings who live 2,000+ miles apart can be! We talk often and share our
ups and downs with each other. She was there for me for daily phone calls during my divorce. And I was there for her during her mental breakdown (oops, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that?!). ;-)

So, maybe it's just that life that has gotten in the way. I have always worked full-time, and I got married and had kids
young. So, early on, I was tied down. Then, she moved to LA
(I'm in Chicago) and started her family. Now she's a SAHM who home schools her three kids and maintains multiple blogs.



See that impish look? She still has that!


















For many years we have said, We have to get together! And something always comes up to get in the way. So, this was a sudden decision for me to fly there to spend 4 days together.

Why? All because of a cat.



(side note from Julie: I bought a kitten for my mom last March. She realized she was a little allergic to cats after that. Oops. She had to take meds to tolerate him but it still wasn't ideal. September I flew to Orlando to take the cat & bring him back with me. All was well at the G-home for awhile. As one of our kittens started developing a health problem, he started to target her more aggressively in some strange back-to-the-wild "male cat kills sick kitten" instinct. So my sis and her husband (who know and love this cat from when he lived with my mom) eagerly agreed to take him. My sis is flying here from Chicago to bring him back with her. We're keeping him in the family. He's hitting all the big cities... from Orlando to Los Angeles and then Chicago. Goodbye Opie. You are a very sweet cat, except when you're trying to kill your little sister. That's when we ship you off to live with your Aunt BethAnn.)


And now for my sister's 2nd funny post, highlighting some more of our differences!





To-may-to, To-mah-to


As I mentioned in my previous post, my sister and I are very different, as you will see in these photos. Interestingly enough, you will notice many similarities between us also! What do you think? Can you relate to one of us more than the other?


PETS:

Julie's cats: obviously obedient.


My other cat rebelled against the
cute picture I had planned.




DECOR:

Julie: Life-sized cardboard figure of
Buffy with decorative scarf
(for those cold Los Angeles nights).



Me: Decorative music stand.
Really, serving no purpose.
Wait! I have something that serves
no purpose? I must rethink this!



DESK:

J: Granite-topped built-in desk -
is that sunscreen I see?
(BTW, Is that a large pile of papers
pushed off into the left side of the desk? :-) )



Me: Ikea desk with space-saving second tier-
for scrapbooking, of course.




TOYS:

Julie REALLY HAS TOYS!



My toys are my scrapbooking supplies.
(It's probably because I never got to
play with toys as a kid.
Julie kept stealing them. )




KEY CHAINS:

There's that granite again!
With candy-shaped charms.



My table I painted myself!
With a keychain my daughter bought for me.





PURSES & PURSE CONTENTS:

J: Contents include:
airline ticket from September visit
to Florida, papers from October visit
to Hawaii.



Oh, the beauty. ;-)



FRIDGES:

Julie has more friends than I do, obviously.




HOUSE FACADES:

No, that's not a Disney World attraction.
It's Julie's house!



My sturdy, beige brick house.
Hey, at least I added some attractive
hand-painted maroon trellises for a little "pop!"



Our Backyards:


Julie obviously has a resort in her backyard.


Me? Well, umm, you could sit and
chill out a bit in my backyard!



OUR KIDS:

Seamus-7, Marlie-6, Haven-12


Cody-17, Bethany-20




She says to-may-to, I say to-mah-to.
And, they're both just fine, I say!


 

Monday, December 12, 2011

People Who Don't Like Me: Wendy's Edition


Usually this time of year, we reflect on our blessings, the people in our lives who love us and who we love. Being one to never follow the rules, I'd like to reflect on the people who don't like me.

1. The Sidama Liberation Front (these are the lovely men who accused me of being a spy for the Ethiopian government)

2. The Gymboree Mom who acted nice to my face while she blogged about me behind my back for being an "adoptress" and stealing my black baby from Africa. You may remember her as the Lesbian who is happily married to a man.

3. The Manager at the Wendy's located at 16930 Roscoe Blvd
North Hills, CA 91343. Oh wait, I haven't mentioned her before. Well, she hates me.


It all started one day when I was picking up lunch for myself and the kids one day at the drive-thru. At some point a couple of years ago Wendy's changed their straw distribution policy, no longer handing the straw with the drink, but instead placing it in the bag with the food. This bothers me to no end because I can't test the drink to make sure they gave me the right drink (which they often don't) until they bring me the food.

So there you are, staring at this drink in your cup holder, unable to taste it, while you wait for your food. Don't you dare suggest I pull up the lid and taste it. You will never get the lid back on right and that can only end up in disaster for you and your floormats. #trust

This event happened right after the policy change. The lady handed me my drink and my change and started to hand me a straw. But before I could grab it, she pulled her hand back. ??? I asked her if I could have my straw and she said, "no, it will be placed in the bag". And I said, "But you were just about to hand it to me... why can't I have the straw now?" She replied, "You will get your straw in the bag with the food." Again I said, "BUT YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO HAND ME THE STRAW! Why can't I have it?" She did not respond.

When I left the drive-thru, I wanted to call to complain, but there was NO RECEIPT in the bag, to call and complain. What do I say, "Your heavy-set hispanic female employee was rude to me."? So I never complained.

But every time I subsequently went to Wendy's, that lady was working the drive thru. And she would give me the stink eye. Marshall thought I was making this up, but a few times he accompanied me to the drive-thru and confirmed that she was indeed giving me the stink eye. Then future times when she would take our order (oh yes I can recognize her voice through the speaker), she would leave the window the minute we pull up and the other employees were left scrambling, trying to deal with our order. Did I mention she's now the manager?

My love affair with Wendy's food began early in my childhood, but sadly, thanks to mean heavy-set-hispanic-manager-lady, I rarely eat there anymore. If I do have a craving for Wendy's, I'll drive out of my way to go to a different Wendy's. Why would I want to order food from someone who gives me the stink eye?

All this because mean-heavy-set-hispanic-now-manager-woman wouldn't give me a straw. She probably hates kittens too. And purple.


 

Monday, November 7, 2011

New Blog Launch!


Big news, everyone... I will be co-authoring a brand new blog with my dear friend Jamie. This blog is about reviewing Natural Products. Whether you like Natural Products like Jamie, or don't care about chemicals in your products (like me), you might enjoy checking us out. We're nearly ready to start rolling out our reviews.


Right now we're looking for other bloggers to join our blogroll and to add us to yours. Just email me at dazzleginger@gmail.com if you're interested and we'll get connected. We don't care what kind of blogger you are, as long as you have a blog.

And if you want to read our stories and see where Jamie and I are coming from, check out our site at Mommy Hates Chemicals.


Last but not least, if you have a Natural Product you'd like us to review, email us!


 

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Can Homeschooled Kids Really Be Well Socialized?

So it's not really stealing if I give credit to who wrote it, right? Because I thought this blog post was brilliant, and was the perfect answer to that "Socialization" question about homeschooled children.

If you've ever wondered how homeschoolers socialize their children, and if they're really missing out on the socialization that regular school provides, please read this article. The entire article is worth reading. Seriously, I need to print this out and hand it to everyone I encounter who asks me, "What about your kids' socialization?". Because I can't say it any more eloquently than this.

-------------------------------

What are We Socializing Them For?

by: Stephen Palmer Monday, October 10th, 2011

By Stephen Palmer

fishschool What are We Socializing Them For?

As a homeschooling family, my wife and I occasionally get the predictable, worn-out question, “But what about their social life?”

First of all, the question is utterly bizarre to me, given how much social interaction our kids get between several homeschool groups with tons of activities and outings, and myriad other activities, such as art classes, dance classes, cooking classes, Judo, flag football, etc., not to mention how much they play with neighborhood kids.

The idea that homeschoolers don’t get healthy social interaction is such a backwards, 20-years-ago perception.

Secondly, it makes me laugh when I think back to my public school experience.

Here’s what public school taught me about socialization:

  • *It’s okay — encouraged, even — to make fun of anyone “different” than you and your core group of friends, particularly the weak, weird, mentally and physically disabled, and poor.
  • *Within an “acceptable” range, everyone should dress, act, and think like everyone else, and those in any way and to the slightest degree outside of the norm should expect to be mocked mercilessly.
  • *Appearances are everything.
  • *You should only interact with those in your grade. Those in higher grades are cooler than you (and are therefore entitled to bully you and everyone else younger than them), and those in lower grades are less than you.
  • *You should compare yourself to and militantly compete with others.
  • *What your peers think of you is far more important than what you think of yourself, or what God thinks of you. Sacrifice everything for popularity.
  • *Don’t question authority; teachers and other authority figures know best. Stay in line. There’s an established, “right” way for everything — don’t deviate.

“The idea of learning acceptable social skills in a school is as absurd to me as learning nutrition from a grocery store.” -Lisa Russell

Based on most accounts I’ve heard, this is quite typical public school “socialization,” which is interesting in and of itself.

But here’s where it gets really interesting: Nowhere outside of high school have any of these been my experience, at least not nearly to the degree felt in high school.

Sure, I’ve experienced the very typical (and relatively benign) perceptions and comments regarding our non-traditional views on things like education, homebirthing, politics, etc.

But nothing even close to the overt and extremely aggressive ostracization, mocking, competitiveness, and bullying I witnessed in high school.

Rather than attending high school my junior and senior years, I attended a community college through a program called Running Start.

Not a single person in college ever cared about what clothes I wore, who I hung out with, what my interests were, how old I was, etc.

It was a completely different world than high school.

In fact, in college diversity was appreciated and encouraged much more than conformity. Everyone I interacted with was respectful and accepting.

It was encouraged to question commonly-accepted truths, habits, societal arrangements, etc.

Since leaving high school, I’ve never had a single friend who cared one whit about my fashion sense (or lack thereof, as the case may be).

I’ve yet to interact with an adult who thinks it’s really cool to make fun of those less privileged than them.

I’m still waiting for an adult to bully me because they’re a year older than me, or an adult to fear me because they’re younger than me.

socialize kids 300x300 What are We Socializing Them For?

If socialization outside of public school is nothing like, or is at least substantially different from socialization in public school, then what in the name of John Dewey are we socializing our kids for?

For those who disagree with my experience with and perception of public school socialization, who really value socialization and worry that your kids won’t get it outside of public school, I have a sincere question for you:

What do you want your kids to get from public school socialization (or socialization in general)?

I imagine your responses would include:

  • *You want them to be confident, emotionally mature, well-adapted, respectful, and considerate.
  • *You want them to be able to interact with, relate to, and positively influence anyone, regardless of age, race, culture, or any differences of opinions or perceptions.
  • *You want them to have the courage to stand up for what’s right, even and especially when it’s not popular.
  • *You want them to be a leader, not a follower.
  • *You want them to learn to strive for excellence, but without feeling the need to “beat” or denigrate others in the process.
  • *You want them to develop the maturity to respect authority for the right reasons without accepting it unquestioningly, and, as needed, to learn to question and change things wisely and effectively.

Right?

Well, we share those desires.

I’m not trying to convince anyone that homeschooling is better than public schooling — as a well-adjusted, socialized adult who believes in freedom, tolerance, and diversity, I wholeheartedly respect and embrace you, no matter your opinions on the subject.

But I am inviting those who advocate public school for the sake of socialization to question what your children are actually getting in the way of socialization.

As Manfred Zysk wrote in his thought-provoking article “Homeschooling and the Myth of Socialization,”

“A family member asked my wife, ‘Aren’t you concerned about his (our son’s) socialization with other kids?’. My wife gave this response: ‘Go to your local middle school, junior high, or high school, walk down the hallways, and tell me which behavior you see that you think our son should emulate.’”

And for those concerned that our homeschooled children aren’t getting enough or appropriate socialization, I’m inviting you to consider that there are other ways to achieve healthy socialization, and we’re not raising our kids to be cloistered, introverted misfits.

We’re not opting them out of society.

We’re just opting them out of the strange public school bubble that, in our experience, doesn’t even represent normal, healthy society.

In other words, we’re socializing them for what they’ll actually experience beyond high school.

Recommended Reading:

*****************************

2009 04 22 palmer 1131 copy 111x135 custom What are We Socializing Them For?Stephen Palmer is a book writer for mission-driven leaders, a small business lead generation website design architect and persuasive website copywriter, a co-founder of The Center for Social Leadership, and the author of Uncommon Sense: A Common Citizen’s Guide to Rebuilding America.

He co-authored the New York Times bestseller Killing Sacred Cows: Overcoming the Financial Myths that are Destroying Your Prosperity, as well as Hub Mentality: Shifting from Business Transactions to Community Interaction.

He is a liberal-arts graduate of George Wythe University and a graduate and faculty member of the “non-traditional business school” Wizard Academy.

Stephen resides in Round Rock, Texas with his gorgeous wife Karina, awesome son Alex, and princess daughters Libby, Avery, and Laela.

Subscribe to Stephen’s blog and contact him at stephen@leadershipwriter.com.



 

Friday, September 23, 2011

The "Dolphin Tale" Movie


Today I took my kids to see the movie "Dolphin Tale" by Warner Brothers. Some friends from my local homeschool group set up a meet-up field trip at our local theater to see it opening day. (today) I'd seen the trailer for it, and honestly I wasn't that thrilled about seeing it. It just seemed like another sappy feel-good "Free Willy" kind of movie to me. My kids were kind of "meh" about seeing it too, except they were excited that "field trip" meant no homeschool lessons today.

Color me surprised that not only did I love this movie, my kids did too. I laughed, I cried, and as cheesy as it sounds, I actually left the theater with a renewed hope in humanity.

While Homeschool wasn't the focus of the movie, one of the main characters was homeschooled, and another found that he was more inspired to learn in a "hands on" environment rather than in the classroom.

This movie was truly inspirational and had a parallel story of an Iraq war veteran learning to use a brace while many of his buddies were using prosthetics.

This was a great story of overcoming obstacles life throws at you and that by believing in the impossible, you can sometimes make the impossible a reality.

This movie is based on the true story about a dolphin named Winter, who had her tail amputated after it was caught in a crab trap. One thing I didn't realize before the movie, was the fact that they used the actual dolphin "Winter" in the movie. If fact you can see more about her story & watch her via live cam at: seewinter.com

Positive, inspirational, and educative family-friendly movies come along rarely. Let's send the message to Warner Bros and other studios that we want to see more uplifting movies like this.

Go see this movie. Take your kids and tell your friends. And then go see Winter online for yourself. If you have a beating heart, this movie is sure to make it swell.

Just in case your kids want their very own "Winter" dolphin, you can find one in grey, pink or blue (with a fixed prosthetic tale) at the seewinter.com site. The Warner Bros movie site "Dolphin Tale" has a gray "Winter" that has a detachable prosthetic tail as well as an app game where you can fling a fish at Winter.

Now what are you waiting for? Go see this movie!



**UPDATED** We went to see the movie with the Homeschool Movie Club, organized by JT and Sydney Taylor. They made this video and interviewed several of the actors and people who helped make this movie during the "blue carpet" premiere. Both of the main child actors in this movie are homeschooled.