When A Family Speaks Out: Guest Post By A Mental Health Professional

Many of you read the post where I shared about the struggles of our daughter and her adoption/trauma related mental illness.  My husband and I discussed at length the decision to go public and also discussed it with our daughter. She has always been included in every aspect of her treatment and is an incredibly smart, beautiful girl who desperately wants to conquer the mental illness she struggles with.  She agreed to go public and wanted her story told so others could seek help for their children as we were seeking help for her.  You see, because for six years we thought we were alone in this.  If you haven't read that post, you can find it here: Adoption: Surviving One Day At A Time 

While I received many supportive comments and touched many families that were similarly struggling, I was unprepared for the level of attacks I received.  They went far beyond the comments on the post, and continued in Facebook, including in a invitation-only Facebook group specifically for women who adopted children from Ethiopia.  I wrote about the aftermath of sharing our story here: Sharing Our Story: The Aftermath  

Recently there was an article posted in a popular adoption website (not a personal blog) that referenced my story.  The title stated the article was about how to get help for your adopted children when they are struggling.  However, the entire article was about MY STORY of how I shared our struggles as a family in getting help for my daughter.  The author discussed how she was deeply disturbed by my decision to go public and used me as an example of "what not to do" when seeking help for your child.  You see, the author of that article is also a parent of an Ethiopian child and learned of my blog post because she is also a member of that invitation-only Facebook group where I endured the worst of the attacks.   While the author claims she kept enough details anonymous about our family, it did indeed provide identifying information about us by providing the nationality, gender, and age of my child as well as the initial of our last name. (My last name is never mentioned in ANY of my blog posts but was listed in the Facebook group)  She never approached me to ask permission to discuss our story.  Despite my (and many others') protests in the comments of this article, she refused to issue a retraction.  Despite the title of her article, she never once provided any resources or suggestions offering help for families who are struggling.  The entire article on this popular adoption website was about how the author felt I violated my daughter's privacy by choosing to go public about our struggles. 

One of my closest friends is a Mental Health Professional who works with mentally disabled children.  She has been my lifeline through this struggle in seeking help for my daughter. She has listened to me, supported me, encouraged me, educated me, and helped point me in the direction of the best ways to seek help for my daughter. She has been an invaluable resource to me, as well as an amazing friend.  She decided to write a post about my situation and the aftermath, and has chosen to do it truly anonymously, to show how it can be done as opposed to the way our story was referenced by the author of the recent article. (who claimed she kept it anonymous yet obviously failed)

Not everyone agrees with my decision to go public.  I've always been okay with that.  I still stand by my decision to go public and perhaps put a dent in the stigma of mental illness.  

Still don't believe the uproar is about the stigma of mental illness?  Let me ask you this... how is it that celebrities can come forward about having an autistic child on popular magazines (with pictures and the full name of the child), and not only is that okay, but they are celebrated for it?  What about all the Childrens Hospital websites that feature children's pictures, first and last names, and their medical history?  Why is that okay, but it's not okay to share my story (with my daughter's picture and first name) on my personal blog?  I believe the only answer is due to the stigma of mental illness.  Would there have been an uproar if I shared that my daughter had a physical illness and mentioned the struggles we faced in getting her help?  I don't believe so. You may not agree, but I challenge you to at least consider why one is okay and the other is not.

Below is that guest post by my dear friend Heather, a Mental Health Professional and a tireless advocate for children with disabilities. 

Empathy is a new word for some people. It has been around

for quite awhile and while some believe it is not important I share the

attitude of Coplan and Goldie (2011) that it is “seen as important in

relation to respond to others ethically – enabling us not only to gain

a grasp of the other’s suffering, but to also respond in an ethically

appropriate way” (p. xi). I believe without empathy for others we are

lacking as humans. How could it be acceptable for someone to open

his or her heart to another and to be picked apart or laughed at? As

sad as it is to imagine, it happens. And while some just shrug it off,

others, not unlike myself are hurt by the actions of others. Sometimes

it a blow to our egos, other times it is a piece of our heart that feels the

pain. Empathy should be something that all adults should be aware of.

Since 1985 I have been heavily involved in the lives of at least

one hundred and fifty individuals who have had an physical or

developmental disability. I became close to their family members and

their friends. I have seen the anguished faces of parents trying to do

what is best for their children however not knowing if what they are

doing is the right thing. I have never, not once, felt sorry for them. I

was very empathetic for them. I thought how hard it must be for them.

I never thought, poor them. I have seen the ins and outs of the

Department of Disabilities. I have seen the worst of the worst and the

best of the best. All with an open heart and an empathetic mind. If one

cannot feel empathy for another they truly cannot attempt to speak

about their situation.

During the past few months, one of my closest friends has

opened up to me about one of her children. This child is adopted and

she has developed a mental illness. I have read up all I can on what

the child possibly might have so I would be able to support my friend as

best I can. I have listened, given tidbits of advice I think she might be

able to use or that she would appreciate, I have been empathetic. I do

not have sympathy for her. Who am I to judge her situation and

feel “sad about her misfortune”?! Sure she is in a tough situation

however I do not think she is misfortunate at all. She is amazing.

She chose to open up about her child’s mental illness to a group

of people she found supportive. She wrote a beautiful blog about it.

And, with the child’s blessing, published it. Instead of support or

empathy she received a backlash of what I can only describe as cyber

bullying. “Cyber bullying occurs when a person uses IT to embarrass,

harass, intimidate, threaten, or otherwise cause harm to individuals

targeted for such abuse”(McQuade, Colt, Meyer 2009, p. 2). She was

told she was invading her child’s privacy. She was told she wanted

attention. She was called a bad mom. She was used as an example of

what not to do when your family needs help. She was told her actions

would prevent her child from ever getting into a college or getting a

job. Come now, we all know about the Disabilities Act, don’t we?...

She opened up to the public with this so that other families who are in

similar situations wouldn’t be afraid of breaking their silence.

Mental illness has a strong stigma in the world these days.

Depression is a no-no when talking about ones self. Saying you have

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or that you are Bipolar is taboo. This

is just for an adult. Put these illnesses in a sentence when talking

about a child under thirteen and it is like you are Hester Prynne walking

around the town holding hands with her lover. Yes, I am comparing the

stigma of childhood mental illness to the scarlet letter. My friend may

as well have sewn a bright red T for TELLING THE TRUTH onto her

clothing. She committed no sin. She, if anything, is a pioneer for other

mothers who have children with mental illnesses.

What would these cowards have her do? Keep quiet, and not

potentially help anyone else? I can tell you I know that her child wants

this story out to help others. Her child is like that. She is a wonderful,

caring, selfless, loving beam of light in this dark world. My friend

should have received support for all communities for her blog. There

was no need for anyone to attack her, talk behind her back or use her

as an example for “what not to do”. If these trolls had any emotional

intelligence perhaps they would have had some empathy. No one

cares that she did, in fact touch other families. That she got many

compliments for her courage and her message.

I have stood beside her and her other close friends to

support her through this. I support her choice to go public with this

issue. I support her choice to include her child in her blog, with her

child’s blessing, as I said before. And yes, the child asked if some

things not be put in, and they weren’t. I also support her choice to seek

medical help for her child. She is doing everything the right way. I

have seen this many times, since 1985, as I stated. She is an amazing

mother and wife. As for those who choose to attack her…I feel sorry for

you, yes, I sympathize for you. You are so blind to what is happening in

the world of mental health that you choose to pick on a mother who has

a child under thirteen with a mental illness who is just trying to share

her story. Those of you, who chose to attack, talk about her, criticize

her, shame on you. One last point I will make, this is how you write an

anonymous blog. No names, no ages, just my friend was identified as

being a woman. And only if she chooses too will she identify herself

following this sentence.

References

Coplan, A. & Goldie, P. (2011). Empathy: philosophical and

psychological perspectives. UK: Oxford University Press.

McQuade, S., C., Colt, J., P. & Meyer, N., B., B. (2009). Cyber

bullying: protecting kids and adults from online bullies.

Westport, CT USA: Prager Publishers.

Apple Movie Camp

This summer, we signed Seamus up for the 3-day workshop at our local Apple Store called, "Apple Movie Camp".  It was free, and they teach you how to make your own movie on iMovie. 

The first day, the instructors were teaching the kids how they need to come up with a concept for their movie, make storyboards and then film their movies when they got home.  They also helped the kids search the internet for music and pictures they wanted to use in their movie. Most of the first day was used by the kids drawing out their film ideas on the storyboards.

They got this nifty USB thumb drive bracelet to bring back their footage to camp the next day for editing. 

 

They also got a pretty cool shirt that Seamus loves.  Did I mention this was free?

 

Day 2 was all about editing the footage you filmed after class the night before.  They had a number of instructors and made sure that each kid was assisted when making their movie.  At the end of day 2, Seamus walked up to me with his USB drive and said he was done making his movie.  His instructor had told him to go ahead and remove the thumb drive and return on Saturday, where they will get to show everyone's movie and receive their certificate for making the video.  Here's one of his instructors...

 

 Now we have 5 Mac computers at home, but we couldn't get his movie to play on any of them at home with this thumb drive.  We figured there must be a trick to it.  We were sure the instructors there would know what to do.  Saturday morning it was different instructors, not the ones that were in his class.  Turns out the instructor that was helping Seamus forgot to save his movie to his thumb drive.  And since the computers automatically update every night, the movie was lost.  That happened with 3 other kids on Saturday.  We felt pretty sad for Seamus, that he didn't get to show his video.  But again, it was free, right?  I mean, how much can we complain when it was free?

Marshall doesn't really use iMovie, so he took the footage I shot of the kids and the music Seamus picked and he reedited it in Adobe Premiere. 

The concept and story was entirely made up by Seamus.  Here are a couple of stills Seamus wanted after costume and makeup was applied:

 Marlie as the "Sorceress"

Seamus as "The Destroyer"

The Sorceress and The Destroyer together.

Seamus enlisted his big brother Haven to play the villain, which he gladly did. (Enter the Kung Fu Master) There was a little ad libbing at the end from Marlie.  Seamus, however is a very patient filmmaker and accepts ad libbing.  All the filming was done by Mama. *grins*  I used the iPhone App "Action Movie" to help out with the demise of the Kung Fu Master at the end.

Though the day we were supposed to show the videos to the class was a bust, overall the class itself was fun and Seamus is thrilled with the final result.  And now... here it is...

To check out my other blogs, visit: Gingersnaps in the Morning
and Mommy Hates Chemicals (But Ginger Doesn't)

Open Adoption is Beautiful

Many of you have seen the video we made regarding our open adoption with Seamus's birth mom Alexa.  You can read the story here: http://www.ilovepurplemorethanyou.com/2008/11/faces-of-open-adoption.html

This morning we were sent a video response to our video.  This woman's video was so beautiful and moving. With her permission I am sharing it here. 

Open Adoption is Beautiful

To check out my other blogs, visit: Gingersnaps in the Morning
and Mommy Hates Chemicals (But Ginger Doesn't)

Sharing Our Story: The Aftermath

In my previous post, I shared the struggles of parenting a child with psychiatric, psychological and behavior issues as well as the diagnosis we finally received, and the treatment plan and hope for our future.  It was a difficult post to write, laying our hearts bare in the hopes that we could help other families struggling with us and that they would know they aren't the only ones struggling.   I shared things that many of our closest friends didn't know we were dealing with.  I discussed the trauma our daughter endured that we believe contributed to her current struggles and shared our very real thoughts and struggles.  I was physically exhausted when I finished writing that post.  It was so hard to offer an accurate glimpse of what our daily life is like.  I had no idea I would be attacked so ruthlessly as a result of sharing our story.  

But first, let's focus on the reason I shared our story and the positive things that resulted.  Many families contacted me privately, thanking me for having the courage to share our story.  They said the things I shared resonated with them and after reading my post they are now going to seek help for their children.  One family said they are going to print out my blog post to give to their pediatrician because they have been struggling similarly for 6 years.  So many families are struggling with raising children who have experienced trauma, and many of them think they are the only ones dealing with this.  I know because for a long time we felt like we were the only ones.  It wasn't until a friend reached out to us. After I shared what we were dealing with, the friend pointed out to us that we were living in survival mode and that this was not something we could continue to do.  It was then that we realized something needed to change. We began our search to try and find a professional who could help our daughter.  For every door that was closed in my face, I had to stay strong and continue to fight to find the right help for my daughter.   To be an advocate for your child, you need to fight for your child.  For every professional that says they can't help you, you need to keep calling, keep reaching out, put pressure on your pediatrician, psychologist, etc. until you can find someone who can truly help your child. 

Not everyone agreed with the amount/level I shared.  I'm comfortable with that.  I've never had a problem with people disagreeing with me, just ask my closest friends.  Heck I co-author a Hannity/Colmes type blog that reviews Natural Products when I normally use products with chemicals. If I had a problem with people disagreeing with me, I would miss out on some seriously awesome friendships.   Living in a digital age, each family needs to make their own decision on how much they are comfortable sharing.  The amount I shared might be outside the comfort zone for many families.  That's okay.  Myself, my husband and my daughter were comfortable with how much I shared. And while some people shared their concerns respectfully about how much I shared, some people chose to attack me.  

First off, I made the mistake of not having the blog comments on moderation, and I allowed "anonymous" comments through.  That is a mistake I have remedied.  If someone has something to say to me but can't stand behind even their first name, I don't need to waste my time answering them.  From now on, "Anonymous" comments will not be approved.  

Through the comments on my blog, I was accused of "child abuse" by posting my daughter's story.  I was accused of violating her privacy (more on that later).  One woman insisted by writing that post, I was jeopardizing my daughter's future chance at getting admitted to college (huh?) and jeopardizing her future career.  Saying that future employers will look up her name and scroll through hundreds of links to find this 20 year old post and decide to not hire her based on something she was struggling with as a 6 year old.  That makes no sense at all.  I was told my daughter would be ridiculed in school. (she is homeschooled along with her two brothers who are working hard to help her) I was accused of singling my daughter out because she is black and only posting positive things about my biological children. (Not true, and do they know Seamus was adopted too?)  The accusations were simply ludicrous.  

Some said I would infuriate my daughter (and set back years of progress) when she reads this post as an adult.  I responded to say that my daughter knows about this post, knows what I shared and what I didn't share (the things she is most ashamed about),  and that she was not only comfortable with me writing it, she thanked me for writing it in hopes that her story will encourage other families to get help for their kids. I've shared with her the feedback other families have given me about getting help for their kids and she was so excited.  But when I mentioned this to those that criticized me, they replied that she's too young to give her consent to sharing this information.  I can't win with them.  Some people just can't be pleased and that's okay.  I learned a long time ago not to worry/care about people disagreeing with me or disliking me. 

I shared the link to my previous post in a couple of closed (meaning you have to be a member to see the posts) adoption Facebook groups.  Out of the three groups, two were supportive.  However in the 3rd group, called "Ethiopia Mamas" I was attacked.  A few people did respond respectfully, but once a group of women started responding, it seems the attacks just kept coming.  It got to the point where I left the group, which only gave them more leverage to continue the attacks.  I still had some friends in the group after I left who let me know that these women posted my adoption video (of where we met and picked up Marlie from Ethiopia) and then said, "Look at that happy baby. There's no way she experienced the trauma Julie said she did by 8 months of age.  I wonder what happened to her after she got home." (implying that her problems & trauma were caused by us)  And this was said by someone who was a Facebook friend of mine.  I was also attacked by another Facebook friend of mine on my profile page, accusing me of writing the post so I could paint myself the victim just so I could get sympathy.  These accusations are almost laughable.  I'm not a victim.  I am not looking for sympathy.  I'm just a mom fighting to get the right help for my daughter and trying to keep my family together.  I blogged so that other families can know that they are not alone in this.  There is so much shame and secrecy in dealing with mental illness.  Families suffer alone, afraid to speak out and their children end up suffering. 

Back to the argument of violating privacy.  Why were so many people up in arms about me violating my daughter's privacy?  (which legally isn't the case since her information is mine to share or not to share until she turns 18)  I believe it's because we were discussing mental illness.  There is such a stigma associated with mental illness, that needs to go away so that families no longer have to suffer in silence.  Families should feel safe to reach out to their friends and community to get the support and help they need.

If you were one of those who was so outraged about me "violating my daughter's privacy" let me ask you this... If my daughter had cancer and I was blogging about our daily struggles, diagnosis, treatment plan, etc., would you have been up in arms about that as well?  If you're truly being honest, I believe the answer would be no.  In fact, when I previously blogged about my daughter's struggles and her previous diagnosis of PTSD (which we no longer feel is accurate) I didn't receive a single negative comment about violating her privacy.  Look at all the children, whose full names and likenesses are on Hospital websites, on Facebook (shared among strangers), on blogs and on Twitter, sharing their full medical history, asking for prayer and financial help for their treatment.  Are people up in arms about their privacy being violated? No.


Those of you who decided to attack me... shame on you!  I poured my heart into that post to share how deeply we are struggling as a family and because you disagreed with my decision to post, you decided to go on the attack and kick me while I was down.  You are all fellow adoptive parents.  We as a community should be supporting each other, not tearing each other down.  Even if we don't always agree with each other, we have the option of disagreeing respectfully or choosing to keep our mouths shut.  After witnessing what I went through, do you think other struggling families feel free to share their stories publicly now? No way.  And that's sad.  I would be HORRIFIED to see another family like mine be attacked like I was for sharing publicly what they are struggling with. 

I refuse to accept the stigma of mental illness.  It is nothing to be shameful about.  Is it my daughter's fault that she has these struggles? Not at all.  We're a very open family who have always included her in every part of our quest to get her help.  In fact, we've included our sons in this as well.  We work as a team to keep my daughter safe and help her to feel encouraged and loved while we journey to find the right treatment for her. 

What about that Facebook group and Facebook friends that attacked me?  Well, I unfriended four of the women in that group that were attacking me, and as I said before, I left that group.  Before I left, I very respectfully mentioned that I felt the group wasn't a safe place to share your struggles and so I no longer felt I could be a productive member of the group.  But I offered that if anyone wanted to continue the conversation with me, they could send me a private message or even Facebook friend me.  More than 20 women left that group shortly after I did, and many of them are now my Facebook friends.  After a couple of them asked if I knew of any other Facebook groups for Ethiopian Adoptive parents that were supportive, I decided to start my own.  It's called Ethiopian Adoptive Parent (so men can join too!) Support Group.  I appointed 3 of my closest friends to be administrators as well.  While anyone can invite someone, all members have to have final approval of an admin before they can join.  Also I laid out the rules that while no topic is off limits and people are welcome to disagree, everyone must respect each other or they will be removed from the group.  We had over 300 members within 48 hours of starting the group and many of the members (including myself) have expressed their gratitude to finally have a group they feel is supportive and safe.

I don't even feel that bad about what happened in the other group, because that led to the creation of this new group.  I'm so proud to have been able to turn something so negative into something so positive.

One last thing... I truly have amazing friends.  My friends have rallied around me, defending me in the comments and on Facebook as well as just sending their love to me, allowing me to draw strength from them.  I believe I would've crumbled if I didn't have the support of my friends, as well as my family.  Marshall has been my rock through every step of the way.  He loved what I wrote in my previous blog post and has never wavered from his conviction that I did the right thing.  In the end, I believe the only one I have to answer to is God.  I felt led to write that blog post, and the families I've encouraged have validated to me that I did the right thing.  My daughter said she was proud of me for sharing our story.  She has such a big heart and a love for helping others.  I have no doubt when she is older, she'll be the one sharing her story.

I want to thank each and every one of you who have encouraged us through comments, emails, texts, etc., and those who have committed to pray for us.  While we are smack dab in the middle of our daily struggles, I have hope that one day we will look back on these times and see how far we have come, and that we were able to help others along the way. 


Please join me in refusing to accept the stigma of Mental Illness, for there should never be shame in going public about our struggles whether they are mental or physical.



To check out my other blogs, visit: Gingersnaps in the Morning
and Mommy Hates Chemicals (But Ginger Doesn't)

Adoption: Surviving One Day At A Time

I've blogged a few times about the struggles we've had over the years with the behavior of our youngest child, who was adopted from Ethiopia.  Each time I've been more and more open about what we have been dealing with.  I'm about to get even more real.  Why am I sharing this information? Because I know we're not the only ones struggling.  If by sharing I can help other families get the right help for their kids, or even encourage them in knowing they are not alone, then it is worth it to me.


We adopted Marlie at 8 months old.  Her Ethiopian mother was widowed when she was pregnant with Marlie and then she died when Marlie was 3 months old.  Marlie spent some time with her relatives, then the orphanage, and finally with us.  For years we just thought Marlie was just a difficult child who pushed our buttons.  But by the time she was 5, we realized some of her behaviors were very abnormal for her age and that we really needed outside help.  Positive reinforcement and sticker charts had no effect. 


We found a Child Psychologist, who Marlie saw weekly for a year and 1/2 until a few months ago.  Her therapist diagnosed her with PTSD as a result of the trauma of changing caregivers 4 times by 8 months of age.  While in many ways she is stuck in the fight/flight response, we no longer feel that was an accurate diagnosis.  Therapy did absolutely nothing to help her behavior.  If anything, I think she became more and more sneaky about continuing her behavior behind our backs.  Sometimes I got the feeling that she was outsmarting and manipulating the therapist.  She is incredibly smart.  That's part of what makes things so challenging.


So what are Marlie's behavioral challenges?  She has a number of compulsive behaviors that she seems to have no control over.  (scratching paint off walls, pulling stuffing out of pillows, lying, stealing, etc.)  She also has the compulsion to consume any food or product that she thinks is off limits to her, including cleaning fluids or her big brother's fluoride rinse. She has even more disturbing compulsions that I won't mention publicly, to protect her privacy due to her level of shame regarding this behavior.  She has extremely poor impulse control, a hair-trigger temper, hysterical rages, temper tantrums, and strikes out (mostly verbally) at those she loves.  She has also begun to self-harm while alone in her bedroom at night in the form of beating herself with toys or books.  We've tried to remove most of these items from her room.

So what has our daily life looked like for the past year and 1/2?  We've had to keep Marlie under constant supervision, including trips to the bathroom.  She must be escorted at all times, even when she's going from her bedroom to the family room.  If she wasn't so good at palming things when she walks by, we wouldn't have to resort to such extremes.  It's exhaustive and stressful on all of us.  If I am unable to watch Marlie, the boys will pitch in to supervise and escort her around the house.  I've explained it to them that this is an issue with her brain.  That right now she has no control over her actions and we need to work as a team to keep her safe until she is able to control herself.  I feel bad that the boys have so much responsibility in this, and that our lives revolve around Marlie and her behavior, but we have hope that this is temporary.  And I truly believe all of us (including Marlie) will be better people in the end, after what we have gone through together as a family.  


When we found out she was sneaking out of her room at night while we were sleeping, we put an alarm on her bedroom door.  A child who has a compulsion to consume harmful substances and self-harms is at severe risk of harm while unsupervised in the house at night.  It's impossible to baby proof a house for a six year old, especially a six year old as smart as she is.  Just two days after we installed the door alarm (at the top of her door and well out of reach), she smuggled a toy shield into her room and during a time out she jimmied the alarm off the door.   Now it is screwed to her door.  We also have video surveillance in her room (located at the top of a huge bookcase) that we can check from our iPads and iPhones.  Just last night we found out she dismantled, unplugged and knocked the video camera behind the bookcase.  She knows these things are in place to keep her safe, and on some level it gives her security, but she also feels compelled to sabotage our attempts to do so.  And while we try to stay one step ahead of her, she ends up staying one step ahead of us.  We have been living in survival mode for the past year and 1/2. 


We took her to the pediatrician, who ordered a full psych eval with a Child Psychiatrist.  After a year and 1/2 of therapy failed to make any changes in her behavior, we were ready to try medicine.  The doctor did a 3 hour evaluation which included interviews with me, Marshall and Marlie.  Finally he gave us an idea of what is going on.


He drew us a picture of the brain, like a puzzle.  He explained that in a normal child, all areas of the brain develop equally.  However when the child experiences trauma early in life (changing caregivers so many times) or even in utero (more on that in a minute), not all areas of the brain develop at the same rate.  It has nothing to do with intelligence.  Anyone who knows Marlie knows she's highly intelligent.  But in some areas she's clearly behind in her brain development.  For example, we have a very consistent parenting style.  If you break a rule, you have the consequence no matter what.  Doesn't matter if we're tired, or we don't feel like enforcing it.  We always enforce it.  And it's the same consequence each time.  Marlie would complain that our consequences aren't working because she's not learning to stop her behavior.  The Psychiatrist said this is one of the areas of her brain that is underdeveloped.  The ability to realize that if she does this behavior, she will have that consequence has not clicked in yet.  He said it may not "click" until she's 14 (YIKES), but he said, it WILL click in.  In fact, he was very optimistic about her future.  He said the deal with developmental disorders is that when the child is raised in a very consistent environment, as they mature, all the underdeveloped areas of the brain WILL catch up eventually.  He told us we should be very hopeful about that.  There isn't a medicine to fix this.  We just need to maintain a loving and consistent environment.


A little side note about trauma in utero. There are ongoing studies right now with the children of 9/11 widows who were pregnant at the time, and how/if they were affected by their mothers' extreme trauma of losing their husbands.  It is suggested by some Psychiatrists that when under extreme stress, the mother's body releases a chemical that affects the brain development of the fetus.  Many of those children are exhibiting similar behavior that Marlie is.


Now about her compulsive behaviors.  Her Psychiatrist said these are consistent with OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Behavior)  Marlie told the doctor that she feels there is a war going on between what her head tells her to do and what her heart wants her to do.  At this point she always does what her head tells her to do, and then feels incredible shame & remorse afterwards.  She apologizes to us once she has calmed down after acting out.  She worries that we will give her away because of her behavior (no matter how many times we assure her we won't).  All she really wants to do is to have control over her behavior and make us proud of her.


So what is the plan?  Marshall and I feel that her OCD behaviors are extremely out of her control, so after the Psychiatrist's recommendation we agreed to try medication with her.  The treatment for OCD is seratonin, which is your garden variety of anti-depressants.  The Psychiatrist explained to Marlie that once we get the right medication/dose combo, she will have an easier time saying no to her head (compulsions) and will be able to listen to her heart more.  She is so desperate for help and has placed so much hope that her Psychiatrist and the meds will be able to help her.  She reminds me every day to give her her medicine.  At this point, it's very slow going.  These medicines need to be started at a very low dose and increased slowly, so it could likely be months or more before we find the right combination for her.  In the meantime, it's our job to continue to keep her safe through close supervision, video surveillance, and her door alarm. 


We will also continue with her therapy, but with a new Psychologist that specializes in Adoption Trauma.  Once we get her stabilized on her medication, we will start her therapy again.  The Psychiatrist will be working closely with her Psychologist to try to find the right long-term treatment for her.  Our hope is that as she gets older, she will be able to use tools to help control her OCD and can rely less on medication.  Millions of people are living happy lives and functioning with OCD and I have no doubt that one day she will be able to as well.


In addition to her behavioral struggles, she is terrified that Marshall and I will die.  Who can promise her it won't happen again when it already happened to her?  She's got a lot of fear and loss to carry for a 6 year old. 


So this was all about Marlie's weaknesses, but what about her strengths?  She's highly intelligent (as evidenced by her ability to stay one step ahead of us).  She loves other kids.  She's very social.  She has a huge heart.  When she acts out, she has extreme remorse and shame over what she has done and an intense desire to make things right.  She loves to help others.  She's a caregiver.  If one of her brothers gets hurt, she's the first one to rush to comfort them.  She adores our cats and loves to cuddle with them.  In fact, she loves to cuddle with all of us.  When she's in a good mood, she frequently expresses her love for us.  She's incredibly perceptive of others' feelings.  She's got a strong personality.  She's a fighter.  She's ambitious.  And her Psychiatrist and Psychologist have both confirmed she has formed very strong attachments to us and her brothers.


The Psychiatrist said all of these things will be her salvation as she matures and gets the right treatment for her OCD.


Why did I choose this picture at the top of this post?  When we were visiting Gatorland a year ago, Marlie asked if she could have her picture taken while holding an alligator and a snake at the same time.  I think this picture shows her strength and independence.  I believe those and many of her other strengths are going to win out and that she will be capable of accomplishing anything she puts her mind to as an adult.


Are there days I wonder why God picked us to be her parents?  Yes.  But each time I wonder, I get clear, concise answers as to why we are the right family for her.  Not to mention when she's not acting out, she's a perfect fit for our crazy, wacky, fun-loving family.


Have I ever asked myself if I regretted adopting her, during our darkest days? Of course.  Many, many times.  But the answer I ALWAYS come up with is "no", I do not regret it.  Parenting a child with psychiatric, psychological and behavioral challenges is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I have days where I cry.  Days I have trouble eating and sleeping and days I want to throw in the towel.  Sometimes it's so hard to keep giving and showing love to a child who often acts unlovable.  I'm constantly fighting resentment and reminding myself that she has no control over this.  She doesn't want to be like this.  She hates feeling out of control.  And when I'm able to step out of the situation and look at it objectively, I realize as hard as it is to parent a child with these challenges, it's probably much harder to actually BE that child who keeps hurting everyone around her when she doesn't want to.


But we're a strong family unit.  We're a team.  And Marshall is my biggest support and partner in this.  We will continue to hang in there and fight for Marlie and give her the treatment and tools she needs to become that amazing woman I know she will become. 



To check out my other blogs, visit: Gingersnaps in the Morning
and Mommy Hates Chemicals (But Ginger Doesn't)

PSA: Don't Even Touch Your Phone While Stopped At A Red Light.

I learned this lesson the hard way. Here in California (as in many states) it's illegal to text while driving or talk on the phone while driving, unless you are using a hands-free device.

I agree with this law. I don't text while driving and my friends know I frequently give them a hard time for doing so. Also, I don't accept calls on my phone unless it's through my hands-free navigation system in my car.

However, I would frequently pick up my phone while stopped at a red light, check for texts or tweets or even at times send a quick text. Until now.

A few weeks ago I sent a text in a shopping center (BEFORE I STARTED THE CAR) to tell Marshall I was on my way home. I put my phone down in the center console and then drove. When I was close to home and stopped at a red light, I picked up my phone to check if he responded back. That's when a cop next to me motioned for me to pull into the gas station. Little did I know it was a sting. Five police on bikes were pulling over every person stopped at the red light that touched their phones.

After the policeman pulled me over, he gave me the whole "no texting while driving, no talking on the phone while driving speech." Yeah, yeah, yeah, I told him. I don't do any of those things. I only look at my phone when I'm stopped at a red light. Apparently that's illegal too.

When the cop saw me, I wasn't making a text or a call. All I did was pick up my phone, check it to see if there was a text, and put it down. But that was enough to get me pulled over and ticketed.

He said this sting was part of their "educating the public" about the dangers of touching your phone when you're stopped at a red light. Seriously. Apparently I'm supposed to keep my hands at "10" and "2" on the steering wheel at a red light so I can maintain control of my car if I happened to be rear-ended. I didn't ask him if that applied to people driving stick shift.

It was a non-moving violation and didn't put any points on my license, but he said there is legislation moving forward that will hopefully add points to licenses in the future.

So, according to this cop, you're allowed to mess with your music via car radio and allowed to mess with any part of your navigation system, but if you even touch your phone at a red light, you will get a ticket.

How much was my ticket?? $160

Yes that seriously sucks. If you live in a state where it's illegal to text & talk on your phone while driving, consider yourself warned.

To check out my other blogs, visit:

Gingersnaps in the Morning

and

Mommy Hates Chemicals (But Ginger Doesn't)